Baby boy

The most important thing on your mind when you're pregnant, is having a healthy baby. I definitely did not take that for granted, and felt very lucky to be having a baby at all. 

I don't think I really acknowledged it at first, but from the beginning of my pregnancy I knew that we were going to have a boy. Still (and I'm going to say what you're never supposed to say), when we found out for sure that it was a boy I was a little bit disappointed.  It only lasted a second, and I immediately felt terrible about it (was I a horrible person? the gender of the baby shouldn't matter as long as the baby is healthy, right?), but the feeling was there. 

Later, when I thought more about it, I realized that it wasn't so much disappointment, but rather an uncertainty. I'd never had big visions of having kids, but just from my interactions with friends' kids I guess I had started picturing myself having a daughter and doing lots of girly things together. I think my uncertainty came from feeling like I didn't know a single thing about guys stuff. I grew up with a younger brother and a much older brother, but even so, I was never into cars, and sports, and mechanics, and all those things that seem typically boyish. Was I going to be the lame mom that didn't get him? What if I didn't bond with him the way I wanted to?

And then, Nico was born.

And EVERYTHING changed. I am so in love with that little guy, and I can't even imagine having anything other than my precious baby boy. I think about when he was just born, he was so tiny and vulnerable. When I 'm getting ready to breastfeed him and he snuggles up to me; and then when he's eating and puts his chubby little hand on my chest and looks into my eyes. When he's feeling playful and crawls away from me hoping to be chased. When he's excited and jumps and screams with joy in his exersaucer. And when he's tired and snuggles close for a cuddle.

Now that he's almost eleven months old (!!!), he is lovely and has such a sweet, delicate personality. He giggles, and talks, and loves walking on tip-toes while holding to our fingers. He loves looking out the window, and eating applesauce, and getting doggie kisses (he opens his mouth to get ready for them :). Sometimes when he's asleep at night, I love going in his room and watching him sleep, wrapped up in his giraffe blanket. 

He is my little man. My lovely baby boy. 

It feels like we're only getting started on this adventure, but having a son has turned out to be the most amazing thing. Looking back to my early apprehensions, I feel silly even thinking about it. I'm so excited to bring him up, and discover all those "boyish" things with him.